Treatise of the Unguarded Treasure

THE FINALE — [UNABRIDGED]

11 September 2010 ~ The Awakening

 "Oh! That my young life were a lasting dream! My spirit not awak'ning till the beam...I have been happy—tho' but in a dream. I have been happy—and I love this theme..." 

~Edgar Allan Poe

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"Second to the right..."

When life's eternal flame of passion collides with the off season wind of chance, when the aging colors of one transient dream dissipate into the vibrant life of another, when blurred visions of an uncertain future become treasured memories of a fond but distant past, when fortune lands at my feet and gives me the wings to fly, when unmeasured life expands before me like the sweeping stroke of an artist's brush upon a canvas of vacant hope, and when my dreams have lifted me to the highest cloud in the heavens where no horizon exists, the melancholic veracity of my existential transience suddenly locks both of my feet back firmly to the ground. 

With an earthly bound mechanical intonation suddenly buzzing nearby, I quickly and unconsciously roll over in bed to hit the snooze button, and immediately bury myself back beneath the blankets desperate to rejoin the world from which I was just suddenly snatched.  To my utter despondency, I realize in that instant, it was all just a dream.  The time is 0320, and my serfdom to my friends, family, employer, and for that matter, the world, is re-commissioned for yet another day. 

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Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, so much so that you could see everything in bright vivid colors, smell the delicate scent of nature, feel the soft gentle breeze as it caressed your skin and played faintly with your hair, taste the cherry-flavored balm from his warm lips, and hear your name being called by the last one who loved you?  Dreams marshal the enchanting and mystifying elements of the dark and distant night; from the pit of the deepest well of our emotions, they evoke our heavily veiled passions, desires, pleasures, regrets, sorrows, losses, and loves.  Through their obscure nature, they remind us how to smile, laugh and love again; they remind us of significant people and periods throughout this great journey.  In essence, they remind us how to hope, how to aspire and how to shimmer among a sea of faces, and they renew in us the desire to reach far beyond our grasp for what we want most dearly.

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TIN MAN

I realize the poetic treatise above will not make much sense to most anyone, but for the very few in my life who know the man behind mask, then they will see a reflection of the illustration I have painted.  Friends and family have always told me that when I write, I do so in complex terms, terms in which any reader might be able to extract something that could apply to their understanding.  Although, meticulous I am when composing any piece, it’s not necessarily a conscientious effort on my part to be enigmatic.  However, there are topics in which I have a very difficult time unveiling in simple terms, and my writings, which provide an abbreviated refuge, are typically in response to some element in life that triggered my intrigue or affected me emotionally.  I realize that in person I can be (and tend to be) more upfront and open on an array of subjects; however, I become a different person when I sit down to write and the two Nathan’s—the artist and the clown—do not live congruently or synchronously.  The person with whom friends, family and colleagues interact will rarely be the author of my work.

For the better part of my life I’ve been a dreamer, a theorist and a writer, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I firmly believe that some people experience more in life—be it good or bad—for the benefit of others, so they can interpret it and hopefully enlighten others and maybe raise their awareness and appreciation for their life and the people in it.  Usually, these are your artists; God finds use for everyone and in these people he taxes their gifts of expression and insight through keen interpretation.  Through my own experiences, I’ve learned that the ones who bring laughter and joy to the world, surreptitiously suffer the most heartbreaks, set backs and disappointments in life.  It's through laughter and humility that I’ve learned to masquerade the fragile boy who still lives beneath the shadows of the crusted, hardened shell that is today.

Most everyone I’ve met in my life has told me that I am very difficult to figure out and get to know, perhaps in part because of the multiple ways in which I communicate—in person versus in writing—but, much like a painter expresses himself by arranging various colors on a canvas, I have always hoped that my writings would impart to others the kind of man I really am, the kind of man that has blossomed far beneath the jaded and charismatic façade, and the kind of man I someday hope to share completely with someone else.  My various works throughout the last 18 (+) years—including this blog, which I started after my brother was killed three years ago—have been a failed endeavor to let others into my heart and mind to know my struggles, to help carry my burdens, to understand my logic, to feel my pain, to see my perspective, to take my steps, to experience my valor, to believe in me, to hold my hand, to laugh with me, to cry with me, to love me, and to share my dreams.

I struggle with this because, while I want to belong, most people in my life don’t know or are oblivious to my passions in life.  Unlike with an artist or musician, who can more easily engage others and share with them their heart and soul by enchanting people into their world, it is difficult to share written works with others because they have to juggle distractions to find the time and the desire to want to read.  Of all the gifts to have, I feel cursed; not only am I very shy and alone in this world, but I have the one gift that is most difficult to share with others and to drag me out of my world.  Most people think I’m nothing more than insensitive, hollow-minded, a sarcastic clown, uneducated, cheap, careless, thoughtless, selfish, prudish, vindictive, spiteful, self-centered, and a sexist pig.  Those are just a few things I’ve been told within the last year.

Because of some very difficult hurdles in my life, which tally more defeats than victories, I’ve learned that quite often the momentum that propels me can also destroy me.  I’ve missed out on a great deal of things in life because, on my difficult climb up the hill, I’ve always looked out to the horizon and rarely down in the valley.  In lay parlance, I’ve spent my entire life more or less overlooking what’s currently within my reach, and instead always fighting and aspiring for something greater, the next step in life, the next best thing, and as my reward, I’m left now old and alone.  Perhaps my defeats would not be a fait accompli if only I could stop dreaming.  I know in my heart-of-hearts that even though I’ve failed many times, at least I tried, and someday that will make all the difference.  Live not to regret.

Long before I hardened into a jaded spade, and despite the delusive promise of conquering my ambitions and bringing my dreams to fruition, I’ve always taken the undiscovered path in life because of the smallest seed of hope.  Rarely have I taken the road that pledged the most complacency and offered the least disappointment.  Instead; however, I inherently take in life the path with the greatest probability of heartbreak and the least chance of success, because I know that without taking the risk there would be little or no recompense.  Imagine for a moment the risk you may take when you like someone but if you never reach out to that person then you would never know his or her feelings.  Sure, you might be hurt if rejected, but imagine the enchanting moment when that person embraces you within their arms when you least expect it.  That is one such reward that makes it worthy of taking the path less traveled by.  There’s nothing wrong with a decision of the heart as long as you know it can satisfy the soul.

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IN THE INTERIM

Without really realizing it, it’s been exactly a year since my last entry was posted.  I posted the entry toward the end of a very tumultuous period of my life, having months prior ended a 4-year relationship and having faced many subsequent tremendous challenges—some still unknown to many in my life—that taxed me spiritually, physically, mentally and certainly emotionally.  From all sides, I felt my moribund, corporeal core caving in on me.  To make matters worse, I’m pretty much alone in this world.  With ailing parents who live very far away, a mother who once disowned and continually denounces me for who I am, and select friends who only include me in their lives when there’s nothing better going on for them, or drops plans (unannounced) with me when something better comes up last minute.

Although it’s extremely rare that I reach out to anyone for help, I’ve got no one really to count on if I get sick, have another “heart scare,” need to vent or want advice, help around the house, or need anything for that matter.  It’s not for a lack of trying!  I’ve reached out more times than I can recall, and I’ve helped countless friends and family when they were sick, low-spirited and needed a friend, wanted a good laugh or two, needed anything, but as soon as they were well and back on their feet, they have been incapable of looking back to the stepping stool.  This has been a vicious cycle for far too long and I’m too exhausted to continue that game.  Despite having been alone for much of my life, I think I’ve learned to manage quite well and I've learned that regardless of what is thrown at me, I have no choice but to persevere and remain stoic.  If anything, it’s only made me a tougher person and able to combat most anything that is thrown my way.  Conversely, it has also hardened me to be averse toward showing vulnerabilities and allowing into my life prospective others.  I’ve faced and overcome many barriers in my life, but last year was…one to be remembered.

In the time since my last blog entry, I finished school, unceremoniously I might add.  I was really looking forward to graduating, especially considering that I had spent the last 3 years working and going to school full time simultaneously, so I was very exhausted at the end of it and ready for a huge celebration.  However, I was reminded that one’s achievements in life are not necessarily worthy of celebration in the eyes of others.  Needless to say, it never happened.  Despite that, I treated myself and bought an electronic Baby Grand piano!  It’s been my lifelong dream of learning to play the guitar and especially the piano; however, even as a small child it can be rather difficult tickling the ivory from the backseat of the car—I mean, the “house.”  Growing up in a very poor family—at one point living in a car—simply made it impossible to take piano lessons, but I am happy to report I’ve now been taking lessons for a few months and enjoying every bit of it!  This is one such dream that is coming true, day-by-day, and on my terms.

It took me several weeks to compose the last entry that I posted, and it was a very difficult decision, even then, to reveal as much as I did.  Soon after posting it, and embarking on the needed journey, I received a few emails and messages from long-time friends who expressed their sincere love and support.  To those very few—you know who you are—I can’t even begin to express what your kind words meant to me.

Virgin Islands!

During the past year, I’ve fulfilled most everything that I set out to accomplish.  I spent a great deal of time alone, here in my house way out in the suburbs of D.C., but I also met some wonderful and enjoyable new friends and got the opportunity to see to some exquisite places, including the Virgin Islands’ Caribbean Blue waters!  A few of my goals were to learn to be more tactful with others, learn to be less critical of myself, be more expressive of my concern for others in my life, and ultimately to reach a point where I am deserving of mutual love and companionship.

I’ve spent the past year trying to re-find myself, my place in life, and how I can best contributed and make a positive difference in the world.  These are mysteries I’ve spent my life pondering but with the shakeup of 2009, I really needed to delve further into this grand expedition and to do so, I had to devote nearly my entire focus on this soul-searching voyage of discovery.  Although, I feel that some of my objectives were accomplished, I am still struggling with the one that perpetually keeps me sleeping alone at night and sharing my heart with no one.  Given the events throughout my adult life, and with special consideration given to the emotional turmoil of last year, my longtime belief was confirmed and the decree has since been reaffirmed.  As far as companionship and love go, the Tin Man remains incompatible with anyone.

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THE END OF THE RAINBOW

I’ve had many dreams in my life that have come true, including serving in the Air Force, living in “real” Germany, living in Chicago, learning to play the piano (still a work in progress), seeing as much of the world as possible, being the first in my entire family to earn a college degree, moving to D.C. (or close enough) and sharing my life with someone.  I’ve also lived to see that when some dreams come true, they inadvertently turn into nightmares and it becomes an everyday struggle to awaken!

One of the most mesmerizing moments of my life happened within this past year when a friend and I took a trip to NYC just a couple weeks before Christmas.  It was analogous to living a scene from a postcard or a Hallmark film.  It was freezing cold and it started snowing heavily toward the late afternoon; it was the first snowfall of the season!  Rockefeller Center was lit up in an ornate holiday fashion: Ice skaters soaring gleefully past one another, cheerful visitors carrying an umbrella in one hand and a camera in the other, all trying to capture the best snapshots of the enormously decorated twin-peaked Christmas tree, and holiday music playing from almost every street corner.  I had never been to NYC during the holidays.  It was absolutely gorgeous, like living a dream within a dream. 

NYC, Christmas '09

Rockefeller Center, Christmas '09

The delicate theme for this finale is indeed about dreams, because they are indeed the treasure we leave unguarded!  Metaphorically speaking, a good dream is just that, but when it comes to fruition, you then have found the coveted end of the rainbow!  I’ve been blessed many times in my life to have found the rainbow’s end; however, the brilliant hues of the portentous arc in the sky has dissipated and the past 6 years have left me feeling disenchanted and abandoned by my dreams and now, like Peter Pan, I must awaken and venture to find my own path outside of Neverland.  But when the skies are dark and lit with stars, I will still remember the way back: “Second to the right, and straight on till morning.”

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JOURNEY’S END

There is a primary philosophy I’ve carried with me in everything I write and I think Joseph Pulitzer said it best: 

“Put it to them briefly, so they will read it; clearly so they will appreciate it; picturesquely, so they will remember it; and above all, accurately, so they will be guided by its light.”

Although the “Journal of my Journey” is coming to an end, the Journey is not complete.  For more than 18 years I’ve been writing short stories, poems, songs, an editorial (2 volumes, 31 Mar 2000 – 26 Sept 2002), a couple of eulogies, an unpublished novel and when my brother died I began this journal on 20 Sept 2007, primarily to maintain my sanity but eventually it ripened into carrying the torch of my Faithful Comrade series, perhaps as an unceremonious third volume.  I feel its purpose has expired and the sun has set on the audience.  I must once again turn my focus to the uncertainty of the unknown road ahead and to focus better on that path, I need to write the final page in this Journal.  (Please see the poem below, as it is the embodiment of this Finale.)

One thing in life is always certain: When one phase comes to an end, there is soon to follow the inaugural of another, and I just pray that I am summoned to embark on that great journey!

I sincerely thank you for allowing me a little bit of your time every now and then to open my heart and share my thoughts.  It has been my great joy to bring this to you over the last three years but now the time has come to turn the page and move on to fulfill the next great dream.  In closing out this, the second major series of my life, I’d like to offer Puck’s final words from A Midsummer Night’s Dream:  

“If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here, while these visions did appear, and this weak and idol theme, no more yielding but a dream…”

I’m signing off with this final thought: Somewhere, beyond the reach of man, painted in the stars and pellucid only to our dreams, are the answers to all the perplexing and convoluting riddles of life to which we perpetually succumb.

Invictus (Unconquered)

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The ‘Journal’ ends here but the Journey of Dreams continues…

Farewell,

Nathanael S. Key

(PS: Comments are always welcome…and if anyone knows how I can get a good writing gig, let me know!)