It’s 22:03, and it’s been nearly a month since the unthinkable came to pass. This is my first blog, so I hope you can endure this painstaking journey with me. I’m not sure how long I will keep a blog or how long each entry will be, or even how often I will submit a new post, but I do hope to be able to sort through all the rubbish we call thoughts.
I really know where to start. For 30 years I knew someone who was my best friend, the person I could talk to for just about anything and the person with whom I could sit back and reminisce and laugh over times long gone by from an earlier age. Together, we used to evoke memories of the past and laugh about silly things we did in our childhood, the kinds of things brothers do, like instigate trouble for the other and then laugh when he gets as ass-beating.
A few years ago, my brother got tangled up in the wrong crowd and sadly found himself deeply involved in recreational drugs. Everyone in the family tried to no end to help him, but nothing seemed to work; my brother ended up in a hospital for treatment and in June 2004 he was released to come live with me in Omaha, Nebraska. It wasn’t long before he began to fall into his old habits and he would overdose on his prescribed meds daily either for attention or to make his pain go away. He always said that he got hooked on the meds because it made him forget about his pain. Anyway, the edited for TV version of the story is: he got into some trouble and ended up spending a month in the county jail, and when he was released I was in the process of moving to the DC area to accept a job offer. My brother begged me to take him with me, but I was still very upset over what he did and I told him that I could forgive him but I couldn’t forget. I carried that anger with me for nearly 3 years and didn’t speak with him until February of this year, when I discovered he was newly married and happily living in Champaign, Illinois.
I was elated to hear the news and I contacted him immediately to tell him how sorry I was to have carried this resentment with me for so many years and I asked for his forgiveness. It was hard to reach him because, as I found out, he too had been mad at me—perhaps mad that I left him in Omaha while I moved to DC. It did not occur to me “why” he didn’t understand why I was upset with him; because of the drugs in his system, he could not comprehend what he did or why I was upset. I wasn’t smart enough to realize this at the time when it all happened.
We spoke to each other this past March and it was the first time in almost 3 years. It was great to know that he was doing well and was happily married. I was sad that I missed his wedding—that’s another story—and I had grown fearful over the years that he may never find a perfect partner in life. I cried the night I found out because I was so happy for him. I was overjoyed that my brother, who’s life had always seemed very deprived of many things, had finally found true love and happiness. He and his bride were married 30 December 2006.
For the past few years my brother had to contend with the complete loss of vision in his right eye and he was beginning to lose vision in the other eye. He always complained of severe muscle aches but regardless of his veteran status, the VA doctors would never give him a second glance. Well, the VA doctors can take a sigh of relief now because my brother will not be bothering them anymore. After just 8 months of being married, and 32 years of being the oldest son, and 30 years of being my older brother, he was killed on Interstate 74 at mile marker 179B. More info may later follow.
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It was just past 1AM on 24 August 2007 and I was climbing into bed when my cell phone rang. I looked to see who was calling me at this hour; it was my dad and instantly I knew this would not be a good call. I answered and proceeded with caution, but I immediately asked what was wrong. My dad cleared his throat in his usual fashion and the proceeded to explain that he received a call from my aunt (on my mother’s side of the family) and they heard that Shondell was killed earlier that day (the 23rd)…
I sit now, at a quarter to midnight, and often feel as though I’m sitting on the harbor of my sanity. With his passing, I carry now the weight of responsibility of being the sole heir of my mother and the oldest for my younger (half) brother, David (from my dad and stepmother). My partner in crime when growing up, my copilot (for the Saturday morning “spaceships” we used to build when we were young), my buddy, my defender in school, my comic relief (he was good at making people laugh), my best friend for 30 years, who knew the other half to all our stories and all our inside jokes, is dead.
I guess that’s all I have for now…it’s almost time for bed, but I will leave you with this: “Sgt Dildo” was one of my brother’s favorite sayings…He used to call people that when we were in school and of course it continued into his military days and even beyond that. People he liked were often called “Sgt Dildo” as a term of endearment, and if he didn’t like someone he called them a “Clown”. Haha I guess you would just have to know him to get it. :)
Goodnight.
NK
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In loving memory of Kenneth Shondell Key, brother for 30 years...
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=GB000093303756
(You can view his online Guest Book if you like. There are some pictures posted as well in the Photo Album.)
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