If ever in life you find yourself standing too closely all you see are the infinitesimal dots, but from afar these miraculous fine points comprise the greater picture that is our adjoined lives.
***
Every once in a while a person succumbs to certain experiences, good and bad, that conspire to amend their perception, behavior and perhaps destiny. I always believed that only good things would come to those with a good heart and truly honorable intentions; likewise, bad things would come to those with purely malicious objectives. Many of my faults are patently obvious, and while confessions offer me no reprieve for reprehensible acts, I’ve lived a life with only the best intentions for those closest in my life, but most everyone has always been misapprehended, perhaps by my sardonic and untamed tongue. I’ve also been accused of committing unforgivable encroachments, violations of trust and friendship in which I did not do; however, certain people continue to this day believing I am capable such horrendous things. Seeking vindication has not come without cost.Earlier this year, I felt the need to step back for awhile in order to assess my life and how I can learn to be a better person, more understanding, more patient, perhaps more tactful, and better with expressing concern for others so that my actions are not always misinterpreted and so that one day I am deserving of mutual love and companionship. However, before I could embark on this journey, I was distracted for awhile but now with school finished and the other distraction completely self-removed from my life, I feel now compelled and inspired to do what is best.
Ultimately, I need to learn not to hold others to the same stringent expectations I have for myself, and not to be disappointed when those closest to me cannot meet my overly high expectations. In fact, perhaps part of this process is for me to assess every influential factor in my life. [...]
In the end, possibly months from now when I re-emerge, I hope to be a better person but this also means that some people and factors can no longer be a part of my life. I can’t say right now because clearly I do not know but I am certain that when I am finished, I will no longer stress over the people who have hurt me or violated my trust. They simply will not be a part of my life and I will be a better, stronger, happier and more optimistic person because of it.
I’ve spent a life having nothing but compassion for others and trying to help others, even those individuals who have hurt me, I’ve still reached out to them because I firmly believe in “what goes around, comes around” as well as the “Golden Rule.” That’s not to say that I’m perfect, because I certainly have said and done things that I’m not proud of, and in fact quite embarrassed. Through it all, I learned years ago to accept my own humility and not be afraid to show it. I’ve also spent my life always trying to be better than myself – if that makes sense. Always being over critical of myself and being an overachiever has bestowed upon me many curses and blessings, the sum of which equal fewer friends by day and alone by night. Yes, I have pushed many people out of my life, sometimes inadvertently and sometimes purposefully because of infractions I felt violated the terms of a strong companionship.
Sometimes it’s easier to move on in life when you don’t have elements from the past standing as obstacles in front of you. Sometimes, we need to keep certain elements in our lives to serve as reminders for any variety of things: how close we came to mental breakdown, how close we came to giving up (or how we achieved) life-long goals and longtime friends, how close we came to meeting the Maker, how close we came to mirroring one’s faults, how close we came to forging fiction for fact, how close we came to the perfect bond, how close we came to losing sight of the virtues that build strong character, how close we came to tying the knot, how close we came to crossing the line of loyalty, how close we came to forgetting the truth, how close we came to despair, and how close we came to finding the end of the rainbow.
Until then…
~NK~
The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost
Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
