How Close We Came

11 September 2009 ~ Misguided Opulence

If ever in life you find yourself standing too closely all you see are the infinitesimal dots, but from afar these miraculous fine points comprise the greater picture that is our adjoined lives.

***

Every once in a while a person succumbs to certain experiences, good and bad, that conspire to amend their perception, behavior and perhaps destiny. I always believed that only good things would come to those with a good heart and truly honorable intentions; likewise, bad things would come to those with purely malicious objectives. Many of my faults are patently obvious, and while confessions offer me no reprieve for reprehensible acts, I’ve lived a life with only the best intentions for those closest in my life, but most everyone has always been misapprehended, perhaps by my sardonic and untamed tongue. I’ve also been accused of committing unforgivable encroachments, violations of trust and friendship in which I did not do; however, certain people continue to this day believing I am capable such horrendous things. Seeking vindication has not come without cost.

Earlier this year, I felt the need to step back for awhile in order to assess my life and how I can learn to be a better person, more understanding, more patient, perhaps more tactful, and better with expressing concern for others so that my actions are not always misinterpreted and so that one day I am deserving of mutual love and companionship. However, before I could embark on this journey, I was distracted for awhile but now with school finished and the other distraction completely self-removed from my life, I feel now compelled and inspired to do what is best.

Ultimately, I need to learn not to hold others to the same stringent expectations I have for myself, and not to be disappointed when those closest to me cannot meet my overly high expectations. In fact, perhaps part of this process is for me to assess every influential factor in my life. [...]

In the end, possibly months from now when I re-emerge, I hope to be a better person but this also means that some people and factors can no longer be a part of my life. I can’t say right now because clearly I do not know but I am certain that when I am finished, I will no longer stress over the people who have hurt me or violated my trust. They simply will not be a part of my life and I will be a better, stronger, happier and more optimistic person because of it.

I’ve spent a life having nothing but compassion for others and trying to help others, even those individuals who have hurt me, I’ve still reached out to them because I firmly believe in “what goes around, comes around” as well as the “Golden Rule.” That’s not to say that I’m perfect, because I certainly have said and done things that I’m not proud of, and in fact quite embarrassed. Through it all, I learned years ago to accept my own humility and not be afraid to show it. I’ve also spent my life always trying to be better than myself – if that makes sense. Always being over critical of myself and being an overachiever has bestowed upon me many curses and blessings, the sum of which equal fewer friends by day and alone by night. Yes, I have pushed many people out of my life, sometimes inadvertently and sometimes purposefully because of infractions I felt violated the terms of a strong companionship.

Sometimes it’s easier to move on in life when you don’t have elements from the past standing as obstacles in front of you. Sometimes, we need to keep certain elements in our lives to serve as reminders for any variety of things: how close we came to mental breakdown, how close we came to giving up (or how we achieved) life-long goals and longtime friends, how close we came to meeting the Maker, how close we came to mirroring one’s faults, how close we came to forging fiction for fact, how close we came to the perfect bond, how close we came to losing sight of the virtues that build strong character, how close we came to tying the knot, how close we came to crossing the line of loyalty, how close we came to forgetting the truth, how close we came to despair, and how close we came to finding the end of the rainbow.


Until then…
~NK~

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Damned is the Fool

18 June 2009 ~ Reverse the Tides

The Clock ticks half past ten as the eleventh hour is rolling in; the time has come to face the crossroads and choose a path that hopefully will accommodate the needs of everyone involved. Otherwise, I’m just acting egoistically and the consequences of my decision will likely not even benefit me, much less anyone else. As I stand before the crossroads, I know that regardless of the path I choose, I’m damned either way.

I originally wrote this introduction awhile back, long before I knew when it would be posted, and back before the options were more evident, but now the decision has been made…only history will tell if I am damned.

The past six months or so have been very demanding and stressful. I got to looking at my blog entries and realized I’ve only had 2 in the past year! Actually, I had something to post back in March of this year but decided against it because I didn’t have many nice things to say at the time and any venting I would have posted could have burned some nice solid bridges. The past few months have been very frustrating, emotionally draining, extremely confusing and somehow inspiring at times… Odd, huh, that inspiring be mixed along with the rest, perhaps because I know that at the end of it all, with or without the long-sought treasure, my scarred and battered heart will limp out once more from underneath the black ash and heavy rubble.

Somehow, at the sunset of a long relationship, and through a series of difficult circumstances, I found myself standing on the opposite side of another’s strong affection but was too blind and bitter to accept the end of one journey and begin traveling blissfully on another. All the road signs were there for everyone else to see and maybe I did but was somehow blinded from the truth by other things in life. That happens to us all from time to time; we lose sight of things that are important to us and inadvertently hurt other people involved.

I’m by far not a perfect creature; I love satirical humor and my warped mind is a lampoon that always sees life through some sort of adult-sideshow kaleidoscope. Despite all my flaws and jaded exterior, I do have a heart and, despite the beatings and abuse it has taken, it does have an abundance of love and forgiveness to offer. The sad part is that my heart is surrounded by sharp thorns and thick brush, which is a major disadvantage for me and anyone with whom I wish to share my life – no one can get past it and I struggle to dig through it and by the time I do, it’s always too late. And because of it, I feel forever conquered by circumstance and perpetually fettered.

There’s nothing worse than to find yourself standing on the other side of one’s inner circle of close affection, and wanting more than anything to be at the epicenter of their heart again, the sparkle in their eye, their last thought at night and the first in the morning, and to be somewhere mixed in all the dreams there in the middle. The most difficult challenge in moving forward is reassembling the pieces of an inadequate heart, knowing that quite possibly gone are the wonderful days of loving again.

Sometimes loving someone simply isn't enough to sustain the tides of tribulation and other times it is. Sometimes life has to be much more complicated than what we are prepared to handle. Sometimes life is unforgiving and we are never granted a second chance at love and happiness, much less a second chance with a particular person. A person’s feelings are very fragile and I have always understood that a person can fall out of love just as easily as they fell in, and somewhere deep down in the pit of my stomach I cling on to the hope that, when the tides calm, the process is reversible.

***

On to other subjects… I am happy that only 10 weeks now separate me from the end of my final class! With just two classes to go, I’m really getting excited! It’s hard not to lose focus and just bolt for the finish line, but I’ve worked too hard to keep up my grades so I’ll just grin and bear it out for a couple more months.

My graduation ceremony is on 11 October 2009 at Constitution Hall. Don’t be afraid to email and ask for my mailing address; I accept all forms of payment, even PayPal! Ha-ha!

Three years of going to school full-time (whilst working full-time of course) has left me with little time to stay caught up with things around the house. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do when I’m finished with school and no longer have that ever-burdening feeling that I should be in front of the computer doing homework every night instead of out and about living life.

Maybe I’ll finally finish shredding a large pile of papers covering the floor in my office upstairs. Maybe I’ll finally clean out the cat litter! I may go buck wild and walk the dog! Or better, maybe I’ll finally take out the trash and do the dishes! Who knows, I might even get around to changing the sheets on my bed and washing the laundry; God knows I haven’t had a clean pair of socks in 3 years. (Doing laundry is SO much cheaper than buying new clothes every week!) What the hell! I might even consider shaving and getting these damn birds out of my beard! Better yet, I’ll let my hair down and have a bit of Crown and Coke….of course that would depend on all the OTHER things above being done first! Ha-ha! Or I may just throw a kick-ass party.

Either way, whatever I decide to do, and with whomever I decide to do it, it’s going to be fun!


(PS: Comments are always welcome.)

Until next time…
~NK~